"OMG i hope i did not have sex"

I'm going to piece together what I actually know, because anything that happened between 11:30pm last night and 11am this morning is completely gone. In retrospect, this probably wouldn't be proper to post on my blog, but what the hell, I'm trying to be somewhat transparent in my day-to-day life.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the post of my first time being irresponsibly and utterly drunk: last night slightly after 11:30pm. (The 2006 office Halloween party has nothing on this puppy. Why? Because I can still remember everything that happened during that party, including me slithering on the floor eating candies from some ridiculous piñata.)

Last night, I was on my laptop and watching some TV when I heard some yelling outside. I would normally ignore such yelling except for the fact that I recognized the voice and figured something was wrong. I promptly left my house and went outside to see what was up.

Outside by the lake I saw two neighbors, Stacy and Carolina dancing with martini glasses in their hands. They were dancing to reggaeton. Anyone who knows reggaeton knows that dancing only takes place when people are drunk and/or just foolishly stupid. Anyways, Carolina offers me a drink, a shot of tequila if you will.

I'm going to take a sidebar here and explain why drinking is very bad for me. At first, I had been going under the assumption that I was allergic to alcohol. It does not go well with me, in fact, me (sic) doesn't go well with it. From the first few sips I get sharp shooting pains in my head when others are normally glugging away, passing alcohol-laden beverages into their gullet. Augi and I had been discussing that I may not be as allergic to alcohol as I had initially believed, since I don't break out in hives or any other severe reactions that people allergic to peanuts or Vagisil® normally experience.

Back to outside, I take the sip of tequila to be nice and then figured I'd go back upstairs. Juan, Carolina's boyfriend and my friend, comes out with OJ and vodka. He had a friend over as well but I don't remember his name so I'm not going to go into any other details about him. I down the OJ/vodka, ignoring the sharp shooting pains in my head, and continue talking. I think sometime after that and before I apparently came home, I can remember downing another 2 glasses of the same mixture, 1 glass of straight vodka and I think some more tequila. Dear God. Oh, there was one piece of pizza in there for good measure as well, which I'll revisit in a bit.

At 10:58pm, I sent my best friend Augi the following text: Im fkig dnkur. Those of you who know me know I do not send out these texts lightly, nor do I "drunk dial" and can understand the severity of the issue at hand.

Fast forward to this morning. I wake up in bed from a noise. It didn't occur to me that I was in fact in bed until I actually woke up from my slumber, startled to the fact that I didn't remember putting myself to sleep in the first place. Glancing around, I couldn't find my glasses either, which are normally by my alarm clock next to my bed.

Stumbling around, with surprisingly no hangover, I made my way to the living room, naked. I really should have taken a picture of this because it was a classic, a sight I won't forget for quite some time: an upturned chair, Ripley's food and water dish upturned and in a different place, my clothes in the center of the room, a giant stain in the corner by the TV which I assume was me and the pizza and the alcohol but I can't confirm this, my glasses which were broken on both sides and bent, my cell phone which now displays the same display only twice vertically, my laptop next to the door which was unlocked, and a flashlight where a flashlight should not be. There was also a burn on the top of my left hand which is quite painful to the touch, and a very odd pain in my right leg.

I'm seriously freaked out because one, I do not remember any events after 11:30 last night, and two, I'm freaked out because of the other things I can imagine may have taken place that I cannot account for, like the title of this post.

Update 1: I went to my neighbors house to ask what happened last night from the time I blacked out until I got to bed. Apparently during the events which are described previously, I had thrown my sandals into our lake, in which I then attempted to fetch said sandals getting up to my waist in water. The soaked jean shorts from the lake water would explain the smell similar to diluted urine.

Upon crawling back up the bank, covered in dirt, I began rolling around and laughing, attempting to sit up, and then falling back on the sidewalk smacking my head against the concrete, "hard, about 3 times that I can remember" according to Juan.

Juan and Alex, which was his friend's name, brought me home and attempted to bring me to my room to put me to bed, at which point I "wigged out," so they left me in the living room, locked the bottom lock and closed the door. Strange thing though, the door was unlocked when I walked out this morning to discover the mess I had made stumbling around.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I should never drink. Again.

Thanks Zakk for the title suggestion, which was a direct quote from the brief IM conversation I had with him.

Update 2: Apparently I pissed my pants. Wow I can't drink anymore.

The more I discover about what happened last night from talking to my neighbors, the more I realize I really shouldn't drink ever again. Dear Lord.

Update 3: I did not have sex.